Random Thoughts: Calling On All Straight Men!

What Every Straight Man should Know.

One of the great benefits of being gay—other than the usual perks of knowing how to groom, dress, swagger and run for a Republican senatorial position—comes the beautiful relationships us homos have with our sisters-in-awe: the ability to bitch over men. It’s a wonderfully cathartic exercise and I urge every girl to adopt her very own must-have accessory for every season: a gay. Thankfully, if you’re a woman reading this, you have at least 3-4 good gays in your life (one for every pair of really good shoes), so it is not you I am addressing. Rather, it is those straight men out there who wonder what it is that makes our relationship with you so special.

So, I am calling on my straight male brethren to wake up and learn from us gay men (okay, we’ll let you call us “bro” if it makes you feel better/hotter/straighter, it kinda turns us on too, I’m just sayin’) in the hope that you too begin making an effort to own your bevy of 3-4 good gays (one for every pair of really good shoes she left in your house as her way of staking claim to your ass.) And here is why:

1) We have an innate ability to translate “girlinguistics” into “menrisms”. Example: We know that when she tells you “I feel fat”, what she means is “you better put up with my thunder thighs because I sure as hell am getting tired of having your blubber gut push me out of bed each morning”. It’s true and scientifically proven.

2) We know everything about her. Everything fun, at least. We probably know more about her than some of her best girlfriends. We do, and it makes sense: there is never any competition over guys; we could never date each other’s ex (or at least nothing she needs to know about); there is never any doubt about who is hotter (in a concentrated effort to keep world peace, we usually concede the hotness to her); and we can’t share the bathroom, which means that we’ve never had to share a stall, hear her pee, smell her poop nuggets as they plop in the water, or watch her pop a zit, all of which could be potentially hazardous to our friendship. As far as we’re concerned she has no bodily functions.

3) Most importantly of all—who do you think teaches her all those tricks in bed??? Do you honestly think she was born with an innate understanding of when to take off her rings? When to spread her body weight just the right way? How to give you a helping hand (ahem)? How to persuade you that you’ll really like it if it’s just one finger? And what to do with her tongue around your rhymes-with-tentacles? As the old saying goes, “bro, please.”

Here I am with my main, main bro, Jake–a man who has seen the light and adopted his very own personal gay.


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