Archive for August, 2008

When you put the CHIC in Chicago

August 28, 2008

As most of you have had to find out the hard way (and by “hard” i mean difficult, not “viagra-infused”), unless I have had my harem of semi-nude turkish boys fan me to consciousness and tickle my “nose” with their round, firm purple “grapes” , I won’t get out of bed. Or in the words of supermodel Linda Evangelipstick “I will not get out of bed for less than a 10,000 botox shots.” So, like, yeah. What a bitch. Hmmm… where was I going with it? Oh yeah, the environment. (I urge you to try sealing every argument you make with “AND it’s green-friendly”, it will do wonders for your listeners. Imagine this: “Officer , I was only stalking Michael Phelps because he’s dreamy… and I was trying to save trees by cutting back on the lilac-scented stationary I would have used to mail him my panties and a wedding ring. I’m being green-friendly!”)

But anyway, until you have picked up on my brilliance, here is something for you chew on (and by “chew” I mean “think”, as in “I think I will stalk Michael Phelps today”): next Thursday, September 4th, the International Summer Social will take place. Organized by the sexy people over at the Chicago Sister Cities, the event–to be held at rooftop of Gallery 37 Center for the Arts–invites reps from Chicago’s 27 Sister City Committees and Chicago-based international business execs. While Michael Phelps will not be present (he normally takes a nap from 5:30-6:00p.m. and then takes about a half hour to get out of bed, call his friends Jenny and Mark and consumes a live elephant for dinner, I heard), just about anyone with culture, class and sophistication will. Tickets are $20, so to RSVP please email

Another day in Chicago, naturally.


Aniko Salon & Spa–Ab Fab!

August 25, 2008

Every now and again, when I can’t think of the right word, that perfect comeback touche-type of retort that leaves my competition speechless, I go quiet for a moment. All eyes–the spectators, the moderator, the judge, my Correctional Officer (yeah Marcus, you wish)–are on me. I think for a second and go back in my head to a quiet, calm spot. A location so safe and so comfortable I can easily find my way around at no effort. A vision so familiar and loving that I am once again able find the strength to summon my inner bitch, and silence my opponent. That location, of course, is Michael Phelps’s abs.

With the Olympics fading into memory, I am beginning to bid adieu to Phelps’s abs. (Sigh)…. Who knows when and how I will see them again. Most likely the Vatican will dip into their “Bail-A-Priest Trust Fund” and buy him out of Kellog and use his face on their Christmas mass eucharist, now that the U.S. has put him on their Endangered Species list, but until then, I must find my inner strength to proceed solo. Which is why last Thursday I went to Aniko Salon and Spa‘s event to benefit the Chicago Fashion Foundation. Watching Aniko Salon stylists transform the models using body paint (which, as you may have guessed, further reminded me of my paramour), while listening to live music provided by DJ Jason Wolfe, sipping on cocktails, and nipple… I mean nibbling (right, nibbling) on hors d’ouevres, was just what any fun-loving Chicagoan could use these days, short of napping on Michael Phelps’ abs.


Market Daze

August 6, 2008

If I ever get the urge to see something new, refreshing and beautiful, I put on a wig and stare in the mirror. It helps. Or if I ever feel lost (“where did I put my Chanel?”), confused (“what did I do with my Chanel?”), or angry (“why do I not have enough Chanel?”), I go to the one thing that provides me with comfort, confidence and direction: my reflection.

That said, not everyone has the privilege of seeing me whenever they are in need of visual superiority, which is why a great place to check out this weekend is Lakeview’s Market Days. In addition to the many cuts of, umm… beef (they call it “Market” for a reason) and the huge variety of abs and pecs, revelers will also have the option of watching live music on the Belmont, Roscoe and Addison stages with performances by Jennifer Holliday (aka the original girl who’s telling you she’s not going), Think Floyd, Expose and Powder. The squillion stands would provide you with the option of getting a Bud Light, booking your next vacation with Orbitz (a favored destination spot for many gays is my bedroom–I’m just sayin), buying a ticket with the Illinois Lottery, signing up for subscription with Instinct Magazine, and get a membership with Crunch Fitness, and–to those who are truly lucky–the opportunity to see me.