The New Miss Unisex has been chosen!

It’s official–Miss Venezuela is the new Miss Unisex! As the holder of the new, illustrious title, Dayana Medoza will get to live in one of Trump’s towers, where she will most likely have access to his private shaft. Furthermore, the lucky winner will get a lifetime supply of compliments, invitations to judge beauty pageants, a walk-in role in “Las Lagrimas de Mujeres Altas Pasan Mas Tiempo en el Aire”, have her name linked to her choice of any closeted Latin heartthrob, a private tutor who will teach her how to say “I believe that children are the future of the people who are no longer children” in every language, free cosmetic surgery as long as she’s willing to appear in the ads for the surgeon’s clinic, and, of course her choice of either grapes or a bundle of celery sticks as her main entree at any restaurant that serves tiny portions. Felicidades to the new Miss. Unicef and her boobs–the best has yet to come!

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