Shockingly shocking shock!

One of the more shocking news of the day, of course, was the British jury’s verdict that Diana’s death was “unlawful.” When I first read it I almost choked on my hypercaffeinated triple mocaccini with a shot of nonfat non-sugar high-protein carb-free corn-diluted ephedra-soaking milk (don’t judge, swimsuit season is like, right there.) How could this be?!?! What were these jurors saying?!?! I had to keep reading! So it took the jurors five days to deliberate over the $15m investigation to decide whether the French were right when they concluded the driver had had one too many mojitos (don’t judge, if you knew Buckingham was picking up the tab for your booze you would have asked that every drink be served in a bucket) AND that the paparazzi’s chasing the car contributed to the accident! Groundbreaking! Sen-sational!

Well, the good news is that it only took them a decade because this could have dragged on for eleven years, which is a lifetime. Secondly, we can all lay to rest those insane conspiracy theories about Care Bears abduction, involvement by National Yenta Association for the Advancement of Emu Awareness, and, of course, that nagging Kevin Federline connection, which I personally believe warrants further looking. But that’s just me.


Shock & bewilderment!


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